I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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