i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
