I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
