I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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