My liver just broke up with me...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
