This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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