Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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