Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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