apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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