I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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