I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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