is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
her vagine was all disorganized.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
