I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
