I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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