My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
