Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
