Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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