I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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