Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
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All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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