I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
