I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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