haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
