were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
