her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
