this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
