I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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