New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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