I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
