Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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