Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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