I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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