When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize