His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
