I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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