Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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