I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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