and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
