for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
