Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
