yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
