Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
