I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
