Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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