Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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