why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
