So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
