she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
