I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
