Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
