Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I FOUND THE LEGS
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
