if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
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On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
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I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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