I am midnight drunk by noon
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
my liver is dry heaving
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
