Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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