My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
