So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
