my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
