8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
