He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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