she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
