ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
