The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Come on in and take your pants off
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